Now it isn't just my cousins who dress like hootchie mamas.

Go up in the churches on Sunday and tell me what you see. Odds are good you're going to see hootchie mamas, but the preacher isn't going to be saying anything about her garments, or lack there of, because HM faithfully tithes each week and the preacher needs her money to keep his lifestyle going.

The hootchie mama wardrobe goes effortlessly from the streets to the clubs to the churches.

Look at the songs they're singing in church now. Kirk Franklin, for example. Tell me his stuff isn't the same stuff they're playing on top 40 radio except with Jesus thrown in every few stanzas.

Look at the way they dance (offer praise) in church. Those same gyrating hip moves, those same bumps and grinds, that's the same stuff they're doing on the dance floor in the clubs on Friday and Saturday nights.

Back in the day, when the children of the great depression were the parents, there was a moral code. People checked the ratings of movies before their kids went to see them. They made sure modesty was a word their children were familiar with, not a foreign concept. Heck, Elvis Presley, when the networks showed him on tv singing his songs, they only showed him from the waist up. Why? Because what we today take for granted as permissable--gyrating, suggestive moves--was unacceptable and scandalous then.

Where and how did we go so wrong? That I can't tell you, I just know that things are a mess now.

Look at network tv, not cable tv, network tv. Your kids are watching a show you deem suitable for them. A commercial comes on. For Victoria Secret. Is it appropriate for kids to be watching women in their underwear parade around on the tv screen? No.

I was in Target the other day. The little girls clothing department. Since when are bikini panties suitable for them? Since when are skimpy tank tops suitable for them? Hootchie mamas in training.

I drive by the high schools and see the teenaged girls. Tops cut down to there, skirts so short that they can't sit without exposing it all. Hootchie mamas in training.

And why aren't their mothers saying anything to them about it? How can they when they're dressed the same way?

There are so many things wrong today I don't even know where to begin talking about them, much less correcting them.


Tawny
www.tawnyford.com

That family picnic I was telling you about in Michigan City this coming weekend, well, I've definitely decided not to go. There are a whole lot of reasons why I'm not going, some of which I've already shared with you--the exorbitantly high cost of gasoline and motel rooms.

This past weekend when Uncle Walter and Aunt Blanche stopped by my house, and they were talking about how the picnic is to be held at the park on the lake, is when I decided for sure I wasn't going.

What's wrong with being at the lake? Well, I'll tell you.....

And before you get started yapping about that's how people dress in 2006, and what are you, some kind of a prude? let me say this: No matter what the style is, modesty is not a bad thing.

My cousins and I have had this discussion before. The one where they complain that the men they meet and date do not treat them with respect. My cousins are, for the most part, very nice looking women with nice figures. For the most part, they are intelligent and well mannered.

Unfortunately for them, the way they dress does not reflect their intelligence and goodness, nor does it cry out for respectful treatment.

You know how if you're wearing a nurses uniform, people think you're a nurse? If you're wearing a police officers uniform, people think you're the police? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it must be a duck?

My cousins dress like hootchie mamas. Like street walkers. Like whores. And because they wear a whores uniform, people think they are whores. And they treat them accordingly.

Yeah, I know, guys like women who dress 'hot'. Fact is, they like to fuck women who dress hot. They don't like to take them home to meet their families, nor do they marry them. They just fuck them. Use them and discard them.

My cousins can't make the connection between the uniform they wear and how men treat them.

They say stuff like 'I can dress any way I want'. Yes, they can. And they do. And men treat them without respect.

Knowing that the picnic is going to be at the beach, I am certain that my cousins will compete to see who has the tiniest bikini. And that's their right.

But see, for me, it's really hard to watch women you love treat themselves so shabby, so cheap. I am tired of seeing them look like prostitutes. I am tired of watching it 'all hang out'.

Yeah, I know, any beach I go to this summer, odds are good I'm going to see women letting 'it all hang out'. And it will make me sad that they have such little regard for themselves. But at least it won't be women I am related to.

So if you're a guy and you have sisters or female cousins or daughters, make sure you keep on explaining to them how men view half naked women. Hot, certainly. But hootchie mama hot. Disrespecful hot. I want to fuck you hot, not marry you hot. You owe it to them.


Tawny
248-615-1300

Happy Memorial Day!

Okay, today it's hot. I thought yesterday was hot but today has it beat by a long shot. The local tv weather person is calling for a projected high of 95. And it's only May.

Kathleen (my beloved cat) and I have spent most of the day outside under the trees trying to catch a breeze. The house is blistering hot, no air conditioning here. I have a couple of those tower fans and they're pretty efficient, but the thing is, when it's hot and humid, like it is today, all they do is push the hot and humid around. Big deal.

I saw on the weather channel that the upper peninsula of Michigan is hot too, like mid-80's. That made me laugh because two weeks ago they had a major snowstorm up there!

Hope you're having a wonderful day. I'm going back outside, it's too hot
in here.



Tawny

Oh my goodness! Talk about the weather changing up on you quickly, look no farther than Michigan. Spring is gone and it's full speed ahead summer. I don't know exactly how hot it got here today, but it was hot, like somewhere in the mid-80's.

But it didn't deter me, I still barbecued out in my backyard. Chicken wings, hot dogs, portobella mushrooms and corn on the cob. Sides were macaroni salad, chips and dip, olives, etc. Dessert was ice cream sandwiches and creamsicle bars.

And s'mores. Wow! My first time to have one (okay, three, I ate three) and talk about outstanding, wow! If you've never had one, well, get thee to the store and then to your grill. Graham crackers, marshmallows and Hershey chocolate bars (plain, no nuts). You grill the marshmallow until it's all ooey gooey, put it on a graham cracker half, top it with a piece of Hershey's, then the other half of the graham cracker. Smush it down. Nirvana!

My Uncle Walter and Aunt Blanche are up from Mississippi. They got in to town last night, drove all the way. Coming through Alabama, someone broke in to their car as they were parked outside of a store. Smashed their side window and stole some of their stuff.

They stopped by my house in the afternoon to say hi. I tried to feed them but they were on their way to Aunt Anniebelle's house (her real name, I'm not making that up) for dinner.

Their loss because my friends and I barbecue way better than Aunt Anniebelle. Truth is, she can't cook or bake very well. I don't know what the problem is, her sisters can throw down in the kitchen.

Hope you had a good day. I did.


Tawny

Last night's rain storm blew in some lovely weather for today. Okay, there have been brief periods on and off of overcast skies and rain, but eventually it went away and left a day full of sunshine and sweet breezes.

The weather report for the weekend calls for highs in the high 80's, even 92 for Monday if you listen to the meteorologist on the weather channel.

I've got all of the outdoor furniture set up in my backyard now. I've got outdoor rugs, room size ones, spread out on the grass under a large group of trees and with the furniture, well, it looks like a part of the house.

I don't know about you, but I spend a lot of time in the backyard during the summer. I have a cordless phone that I take out with me and I am able to lounge on the furniture and chat with you. What a life!

Tawny

Wicked weather rolled through here tonight. High winds, torrential downpours, thunder. Tornado watch. Springtime in the midwest.

Kathleen, my much loved cat, and I spent a good portion of the evening in the basement. Neither one of us likes storms very much.

If I missed your call, well, blame it on the weather.


Tawny

I'm so sorry I missed talking with you today. I played hookey and took the day off!

I spent the day at Greenfield Village (www.thehenryford.org) in Dearborn, Michigan. If you've never been there, it's a 200 acre spot right smack dab in Dearborn, where the world headquarters of Ford, the auto company, is located. In fact, Henry Ford, the auto company founder, was the man behind Greenfield Village. Ford scoured the world for artifacts of history, had them disassembled and reassembled at GF, and now visitors are able to wander through time visiting over 90 historical buildings, observing people in period costumes going about life the way they would have x-number of years before.

Do a google search for Greenfield Village and you'll be amazed at all of the things there are to see and do there.

I broke down and bought a year's membership. That means I can go whenever I want to, as many times as I want to, for 1 year at no additional charge.

Always before when I went, because it is a little pricey to get in ($20 for adults), I felt like I had to walk myself to death to make sure I got my moneys worth. With this membership, well, I can go for an hour, or two, or three whenever I take a notion to and not feel bad about it. In fact, because there are some great food venues on the property, I can also just pop in for lunch whenever.

In addition, the membership gives me unlimited free access to the Henry Ford Museum (which is right next door). That's an interesting and fun place to visit too.

I had a good time today. It was warm and sunny and breezy and it was great to be out in the fresh air.

I'm looking forward to a lot more days like this.


Tawny

My aunt called today, said 'your cousin's in the hospital again'. She's talking about her daughter Cassie (not her real name). If this had been nine or ten years ago I would have been real concerned, but these days Cassie goes to the hospital like you and I go to the grocery store.

Cassie isn't any older than maybe 25. She has three children, all boys, and has never been legally married to any of their fathers. She had her first child at 14, her last at 22, and a bunch of miscarriages and one child in between. Cassie is one of those women who thinks it's her solemn duty to have a baby with every man she dates. Had it not been for all of the miscarriages she'd have about a dozen babies.

What's Cassie in the hospital for now? Not for being pregnant. She was sterilized a couple of years ago when she was in the hospital for something else.

Cassie has been acting crazy for lots of years. One time the Detroit police, upon investigating her claim that she'd been raped and robbed, told my aunt that nothing had happened to her--nothing--and she needed to have a mental health evaluation. Did my aunt take their advice? No. My aunt stuck her head in the sand, so to speak, and pretended nothing was wrong with Cassie.

So Cassie progressed with her acting crazy. She was raped and robbed a couple more times, kidnapped from a bus stop once, etc. And my aunt kept on ignoring her false claims and unhealthy behavior.

Right after Cassie gave birth to her third child, she started vomiting up blood. Too many hospitalizations followed to keep count of them all. Then the baby started vomiting up blood. Hospitalization after hospitalization. Doctors couldn't find anything wrong with either one of them, but still the vomiting persisted. The baby was put on all sorts of drugs.

In between all of this, the baby's daddy asked Cassie to marry him, she said yes, and there was a wedding. Unbeknownst to any of our family, the baby's daddy's mother (who had offered to do it) purposely did not file the marriage liscense with the state following the ceremony. Why? Because she thought Cassie was crazy and she didn't want her son legally tied up with a crazy woman.

Eventually they had the 'big fight' and the 'husband' left Cassie. She was in and out of more hospitals, some of them mental health facilities, until finally the family stepped in and took her children. Her oldest son went to her sister and her husband. The middle son went to Canada to live with his grandmother. The baby went to live with his daddy.

This time Cassie is in a mental health facility. She's been diagnosed with Munchausen and Munchausen By Proxy (I may not be spelling that correctly). What it is, short version, is doing things medically to get attention.

Cassie vomiting up blood? No. She had syringes and she was sticking herself, containing the blood in her mouth, then 'vomiting' The baby vomiting up blood? No, Cassie was sticking herself with a syringe, taking the blood and putting it on the baby's mouth so it would appear that he had vomitted blood.

You know what's all so sad about this? My aunt had seen the syringes in Cassie's purse numerous times. Did she tell anybody? No. If she had, well, maybe Cassie would have gotten the help she needed before......

I don't know where I'm going with this little story. Usually I try and end them with a moral.

I guess it's--if your loved one is acting crazy, love them enough to do something about it. Don't just pretend nothing is wrong.


Tawny

I can't remember if I've shared this with you before or not, but when I was talking to a friend of mine the other night it came to mind.

See, my friend is plagued with allergy troubles in the spring and the summer and the fall. It's bad, too. Symptoms include sneezing, runny eyes, cough, etc.

So this is what you need to do if you have allergies: Honey. You need to get some unpasturized honey. Not the stuff from the grocery store. From a natural foods store, or a local seller. Pasturized honey is clear, the stuff you want is cloudy.

It's important to have unpasturized honey from a local source. Why? Because you want honey made from all the things in your area that make you cough and sneeze.

One tablespoon a day, every day, and you should be symptom free!

For the first week that you take the honey you are going to feel like you have the worst cold of your life. You're going to sneeze and feel tired and draggy. Why? Because you are daily ingesting everything you're allergic to. But after the first week, WOW! Life is good.

Just make certain that you diligently take the honey or you'll have that 'cold' week again.

The other tip I have is for headaches.

Tiger Balm!

Tiger Balm, you know the stuff, for muscle aches, comes in a small round tin. Costco sells it, drugstores sell it.

Okay, being careful not to get the stuff in your eyes because it'll burn, massage some in to your temples. That's it, relief!


hugs,
Tawny

Have you seen on CNN or whatever station you get your news from, that the FBI is digging up a horse farm in Milford, Michigan in search of Jimmy Hoffa's bones?

Because Milford is only 20-some miles from here, and because Hoffa disappeared 30-odd years ago from a local restaurant, this is big news on metro Detroit area tv stations. Every time you turn on a local station you get a blow-by-blow of what's going on.

This morning on the news they showed a business sign in Milford---Waldo who? Where's Hoffa?

This isn't just me, I've heard lots of people saying it too, and no disrespect to the Hoffa family, but who cares if they ever find his bones? The man was murdered over 30 years ago. I don't think a pile of bones is going to give the family any more closure than they already have.

The money that they're spending to dig up the horse farm, I betcha it could be used to solve more recentt issues. Say, missing kids? Pedophiles?

While the news is force feeding us the Hoffa dig, what other stories are we missing out on???

Tawny

My cousin Dee, the one I told you about in my April 6, 2006 blog entry, moved out of the welfare hotel and into an apartment shortly before Easter. It's supposed to be somewhere in Detroit, I think near Hutzel Hospital, but I can't say for certain because I haven't been invited over. Big surprise.

I have received several phone calls from her though. She doesn't have any furniture. Or dishes. Or linens, etc. Oh my.

Since she doesn't work, I suggested she hit garage sales. You can find some really nice things at garage sales at very reasonable prices. Oh no, she doesn't want used anything, she wants new. Well, don't we all, but when we don't work.....

Dee thinks the family owes her furniture. The family thinks she ought to get off her ass and get a job. Stalemate.

Thing is, here in Michigan there is a lifetime cap of five years for collecting welfare benefits. Doesn't matter how many children you go on to have, five years and that's it. Dee has been collecting for a little over four years. Unless she gets off her ass and gets a job, or lands a man who works and wants to support her, in less than a year she and her son will be tossed out of that apartment.

I'm betting that when the welfare benefits run out, she's going to send her son to live with his father. Why? Because she isn't real keen on being a mother anyway, and without the welfare check to sweeten the burden he won't be of any use to her, sad to say.

Tawny
tawnyford@webtv.net

My Aunt Sylvia, who lives in Michigan City, Indiana, has organized a family picnic for next month. She sent everyone a note giving them the choice of 1 out of 3 items for them to bring. Deal was, you were supposed to pick 1item (out of the 3), then call her to tell her what you'd picked, and confirm that you were coming.

Me, I haven't been too keen on going. Why? Well, gas is about $3 a gallon. That means it'll cost me roughly $100 to drive there. A motel room is right around $85 a night this time of year because Michigan City, being on the shores of Lake Michigan as it is, is considerred a tourist destination and rates go up when the weather gets nice. I'd need a room for at least 2 nights, so that's $170 plus taxes. That's approximately $300 to go to a picnic.

So Aunt Sylvia called me last night. She wanted to know why I hadn't called to say what I was bringing, then told me because I'd waited so long I was in charge of bringing the bread (hot dog + hamburger buns). I told her I didn't think I was going to the picnic. And then she said, get this, okay, well if you aren't coming then be sure you send me a check to cover the bread!

What? I said, convinced that I had heard her wrong. But no, that's what she said. I was down for bread whether I was coming or not.

I just laughed because that was about the stupidest thing I'd heard in a long time. She's going to be waiting a long time for my check.


Tawny

Has it been raining where you are? We've had rain and gloomy skies for days and days and days. On the upside, at least we don't have that awful flooding like they have back east. I can't even imagine dealing with that. All the destruction, then clean-up, wow.

I think I've probably mentioned this before but I get a little down in the dumps when its grey and gloomy for too long. Winter is a difficult time for me. I've painted the interior of my house bright, cheery colors to try and offset the dark days. I even went out and bought one of those lights that are supposed to mimic sunlight, hoping it would help. Does it work? I don't know. On the darkest days when I should have the light on I've been too bummed out to turn it on.

Thank goodness the rain let up today and the sun came out! I've spent most of the day out on the patio soaking up the rays, and even though it's kind of chilly---I don't care. I am so thankful to see the sun!

When I go in I'm going to bake some cookies. I'm thinking chocolate chip with pecans and coconut. A nice thick and hearty cookie.Wish you were here to help me eat them.


Tawny
www.tawnyford.com

So did you go out and buy the new Kris Kristofferson cd, This Old Road, that I told you was so wonderful? If you didn't, oh my goodness!, but you are missing out. Even if you don't think he can carry a tune in a bucket, the man's song lyrics are beautiful poetry. Here are the words to another song on the cd. Pure poetry.

----
THE BURDEN OF FREEDOM
by Kris Kristofferson


I stand on the stairway, my back to the dungeon
The doorway to freedom so close to my hand
Voices behind me still bitterly damn me
For seeking salvation they don't understand

Lord, help me to shoulder the burden of freedom
And give me the courage to be what I can
And when I am wounded by those who condemn me
Lord, help me forgive them, they don't understand

Their lonely frustration, desceding to laughter
Erases the footprints I leave in the sand
And I'm free to travel where no one can follow
In search of the kingdom they don't understand

Lord, help me to shoulder the burden of freedom
And give me the courage to be what I can
And when I have wounded the last one who loved me
God, help her forgive me, I don't understand

--------

Words to think on.

hugs, Tawny

A few days ago, Shady Records, Eminem's record label, put up a huge billboard in the city of Detroit at 14th Street and I-94 (interstate 94) as a memorial in honor of Proof. The billboard has a picture of Proof and the words "Big Proof Forever 1973-2006".

If you'll recall, I've been writing quite a bit about Proof since he was shot to death in Detroit at an illegal after hours joint.

On Thursday, CCC, the club where Proof and Keith Bender, the other fellow who was shot to death at the same time, was forced by the city of Detroit to close down for a year and pay some fines.

Okay, it's a financial bite, I agree, to have to close down your business for a year. The owners are going to take a huge financial hit.

But. But that's it? Shut down for a year and some fines?

The place is notorious for shootings and stabbings. While the place had a legal right to operate during legal business hours, it was infamous for being open after hours which is illegal. Seems to me they should lose their liquor liscense and have their building confiscated by the city of Detroit under the nuisance act.

To do anything else is a slap on the wrist. And it makes one wonder if the owners of CCC aren't greasing someone's palm down at city hall.


Tawny

Last night I rented Big Momma's House 2 (with Martin Lawrence) and it was so funny! If you feel like laughing, well, this is the movie for you.

Here's something else to make you smile. I found it in a newsgroup on the internet. I don't know the author, sorry.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Zen sarcasm:
Do not walk behind me.
Do not walk ahead of me.
Do not walk beside me.
Just leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

l4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force,' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hugs, Tawny


PS The links I put in yesterday's entry, I don't know why some of them don't work. I copied them exactly as they were in the newspaper. Oh well, that'll teach me to post without trying first.

Here in Farmington Hills, as in countless other towns I would imagine, we have a local newspaper, Farmington Observer, that comes out twice a week. This paper isn't where you turn to get your news fix so much as it is where you find out what's happening here in town.

In today's issue, one of the columnists did a story on '7 Web sites you won't want to miss'. I thought the sites were worth sharing with you.

www.gethuman.com/us This site provides phone numbers, most of them toll free ones, for hundreds of companies, plus instructions for zipping through their menu options so you can reach a real live human being.

www.google.com/calendar Not only does this site help you set up an online calendar, but it enables you to access "public calendars".

pages.google.com This site helps you make a website even if you don't know the first thing about making a website.

www.behandsfree.com Helps you find products to make your cell phone hands free.

www.familysite.jot.com JotSpot Family

www.sportsvite.com For sports minded folks.

www.zillow.com This site helps you find out the value of almost any house.


hugs, Tawny

Despite the fact that in many of the photos I've sent you, I'm sporting a tattoo, I don't like them. I think it's wrong to mark up your body. And no, I'm not being hypocritical because the one in my photos is a fake. That's right, a fake. One of those lick 'n stick on tattoos. As you soon as you bathe POOF! it's gone.

But if you like tattoos, or are interested in them, have I got some
websites for you!

www.needled.com
www.inkedmag.com
www.pinkisthenewblog.com
www.xtat.org
www.badtattoos.com
www.rankmytattoos.com

The wildest tattoo I have ever seen was on a guy in a Michigan prison. He was part American Indian, he had a mohawk-type hairdo, and on the sides of his shaved head were tatood scenes of teepees, Indians, horses, etc.

Actually, the prisons are where you see two kinds of tattoo work---either incredibly intricate and beautiful, or sloppy and bad.

If you're into tattoos, check out the sites.


hugs, Tawny
tawnyford.com

For all of you Northern Exposure fans, this showed up in my mail box today.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Greetings to all Northern Exposure fans...

The Moosefest Planning Committee has selected the dates for the informal Moosefest 2006 gathering as July 28 to 30 (the traditional last weekend in July).

What does "informal" mean? It means there won't be a registration fee, nor catered dinners, bus tours or other "formal" events.

What there *will* be is having lots of fun with other Northern Exposure fans. We'll visit filming sites such as Ruth Anne's grave and Joel's Rash Hashanah cliff, dine in the Roslyn Cafe with the famous mural, drink in The Brick, and generally enjoy the company of the wonderful, fun and friendly people that are NX fans.

All Northern Exposure fans are welcome to come along and enjoy the fun. All expenses are paid on your own. Local lodging can be found at http://moosefest.org/lodging.html .

About future Moosefests, we were surprised at the amount of interest in continuing a "formal" Moosefest with the paid registration fee. So we are tentatively planning on putting on another formal Moosefest in Summer 2008.

We hope to see you this summer, July 28 to 30 in Roslyn, Washington!

Antlers Up!
Moosefest Planning Committee

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Are you going?

hugs, Tawny

I hope the weather has been nice where you are. Here in Farmington Hills, Michigan, it has been lovely. All of a sudden, or so it seems, the trees have leaves and the flowers are in bloom. The birds are everywhere and it is wonderful.

I have a huge overgrown shrub in my front yard. The thing should have been cut back and/or trimmed years ago. Many of the neighbors have a similar type shrub in their yards and theirs are about a foot and a half shy of the bottom of their gutters, maybe 8 feet high. Mine is every bit of 20 feet tall.

All I've done to make it look presentable, and to eliminate the possibilty of someone hiding behind it, is trim the bottom, removing two feet of branches from the ground up.

Every once in a while one of the neighbors will tell me, look, if you're not going to trim that damn thing you ought to have someone come in and take it out.

Not going to happen. Why? Because that overgrown 20 foot tall monster shrub has become a bird condominium, of sorts. There are dozens of bird families living in the shrub. And they make the most beautiful music when they get to chirping.

Nature is wonderful.


Tawny

Just finished reading this in the latest issue of the Metro Times and thought you might find it interesting. (www.metrotimes.com)

___________________________________________________________________

The italicized names in this story are pseudonyms or nicknames, to protect those who requested anonymity.

The double closet

Shunned by Arabs for being gay, and by gays for being Arab, an emerging community struggles

by Sarah Klein
5/3/2006

The suffocatingly sweet scent of peach-flavored tobacco wafts through the Male Box, swirling around the disco lights that ricochet off mirrored walls. The smoldering aroma is rising from a series of hookah pipes perched on glitter-flecked tables — a rather odd juxtaposition in a beer-and-shot gay bar that's located on a desolate stretch of Seven Mile Road in Detroit. It's Saturday night and the place is slowly filling up with men of a variety of ages and races — but this isn't any ordinary evening. Tonight, the bar is playing host to Arabian Nights, a series of monthly events designed to validate and unite one of the most closeted communities in the area, and in the nation:

Gay and lesbian Arabs.

Arabian Nights is orchestrated by AL-GAMEA, a group formed in 2004 by three gay Arab men dedicated to creating a forum for support, socialization, education and awareness, in an area that's home to the largest and most visible Arab-American community in the country.

Christiano Ayoub Ramazzotti, 31, is a small man with big aspirations. The full-time HIV counselor and former high school gymnastics coach zips through the bar, hugging friends, shaking hands, making introductions.

Bashar Makhay, 21, mans the DJ booth; as cultures collide and mesh, so does the music — traditional Arabic rhythms are layered over staccato electronic beats common in dance clubs.

Sebastian, 39, has just finished applying makeup to Haifa, an Arabic female impersonator who'll be performing later tonight. Despite the darkened environ, Haifa sports rockstar shades on the tip of her nose. A sparkling rhinestone charm dangles and winks from her pierced navel as she works the room.

There's frolic and celebration in the air tonight, but the levity belies the challenges and difficult choices many of these people must face on a daily basis.

As immigrants, they must cope with melding two nationalities; as Arabs, they must deal with unbridled, post-9/11 racism in this country; and as gays, they must deal with jokes, harassment, discrimination, and sometimes, the threat of being attacked and beaten — even by their own families.

Outing oneself as gay in this country can still lead to alienation of friends and family, pain, shame, humiliation and discrimination. But in the Middle East, where gender roles are extremely polarized, being gay can lead to imprisonment, flogging or death.

The 2004 Canadian TV documentary Gloriously Free chronicled the traumatic tale of one Middle Eastern man, the son of a powerful Jordan politician, who was thrown down a flight of stairs by his family when they discovered he was gay. As he recovered in the hospital, his younger brother shot him in the leg. The crime, considered "a family matter," was never prosecuted.

In November last year, the Associated Press reported a raid on a gay wedding in the United Arab Emirates, and that the two dozen men arrested faced a sentence of forced hormone treatments (the Interior Ministry later denied considering such a sentence after an international protest ensued). Just weeks ago, the UN confirmed that gay Iraqis are being targeted for kidnapping and murder by Shi'ite death squads in response to a death-to-gays fatwa issued by Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani.

While the situation is less grim for Arab-Americans in this country, they still face personal, religious and familial hardships for their sexual orientation — much like those tackled by the first wave of the gay rights movement in the '70s.

Eighteen-year-old Nick is originally from Syria. He's young, exuberant and impossibly pretty. His eyes are constantly roaming the Male Box, and he can't sit still for more than a moment.

Nick was kicked out of the house after informing his parents he was gay. With no stable job and nowhere to go, he had to lie to Mom and Dad — assuring them his homosexuality was "a phase" — in order to come back home. He even has a fake girlfriend now.

He says being openly gay is one of the "hardest things you can do as an Arab. It's extremely hard because of your culture, your parents. It's the biggest taboo. It's basically considered filth. Arabs don't understand that it's not a choice; they say, 'America made you that way.'"

"The Arabic community in Dearborn does not respect gay life," says Andy, 25, who was born in Lebanon and moved to the United States with his family when he was 5.

"They think you're a sick person, that you're not supposed to live. They think it's against God's rules.

"But God will always love me," he says. "I was born like this and it's nothing to be ashamed of."

These stories are far too common, and they're why Ramazzotti, Makhay and Sebastian decided to start AL-GAMEA (which means "the gathering"). The idea developed after a gay pride march in 2004, when the three men got together with friends to watch a documentary, I Exist, about gays and lesbians in the Middle East.

"We watched it and thought, 'we do exist' and we need something like that here," Sebastian says. "Let's create a group that will help us be social, a safe place for people who may not feel safe coming out in our culture and community."

They began networking with other organizations, and hosting the Arabian Nights dance parties at various gay clubs in metro Detroit. The Male Box party was their ninth event; it's also decidedly male.

"We don't have a lot of lesbians coming out to bars," Ramazzotti says. "I'm not sure why, but it's mostly men. Maybe it takes women longer to come out. I've never met a young Arab lesbian."

Sebastian suggests that perhaps Arabic lesbians are more closeted than men, but doesn't know why. That's not to suggest they don't exist. Canadian Irshad Manji is an outspoken Muslim lesbian and author who's appeared on CNN, the BBC and FOX News; the Safra Project (safraproject.org) is a growing international support group of sorts for Muslim lesbian, bisexual and transgendered women; and ASWAT (aswat.org) is a support network for Palestinian gay women — one of the group's goals is "to increase the presence of women's sexuality and lesbianism in the Arabic language and culture."

AL-GAMEA hopes to lure more men and women out of the closet. While they promote AIDS education (at each event they pass out HIV prevention literature printed in Arabic and distributed by ACCESS, although they're not officially affiliated with the group), their primary goal, for now, is social networking and increasing the visibility of gay Arabs.

"Our long-term goal is to be like a PFLAG-type group," Ramazzotti says, referring to the national organization called Parents Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays.

"Eventually we'd like to be a nonprofit with a board of directors, to be able to have more events and offer financial and medical assistance," Sebastian adds.

The group recently launched its own Web site, algamea.com, which includes forums and news bulletins. (Last week it was hacked, the content temporarily replaced with the words "I hope you fucking die.")

The site's recent unveiling was a critical step for the group — like so many marginalized and secretive communities, gay Arabs found solace on the Internet, which allows them to interact, meet and converse while still retaining the crucial element of anonymity.

One of the most popular sites is gayarab.com, which was started by GLAS, the Gay and Lesbian Arabic Society. Its webmaster is Ramzi Zakharia, a GLAS founder who's originally from Beirut and now lives in New York City.

GLAS was founded in 1989, and its Web site (glas.org) began in the mid-'90s. While the site's main page is dedicated mostly to news articles, which are not necessarily on point with being either gay or Arabic, there's a lighter side called "The Queer Arabs Blog: Rantings of Angry Sarcastic Bitchy Queer Arab Americans." (One post pointed out the eerie resemblance between New Zealand drag queen comic Dame Edna and female Syrian vice president Najah al-Attar.) There's also a personals section.

The site's traffic has died down in recent years, attributed in part, Zakharia says, to the development of more regional groups such as AL-GAMEA.

Zakharia adds that international news reports often draw huge attention to the plights of gay Arabs. In 2001, police raided a floating gay-friendly disco in Cairo — ironically named the Queen Boat — and arrested more than 50 men. Of those, 21 were sent to prison, convicted of "debauchery" and "sexual immorality." Many claimed they were beaten and tortured while awaiting trial. When the media tackled the story, the trial became international headline news.

"When you take a situation like [that one] in Egypt, there was almost an instant global network," Zakharia says. "We were the chic subject to be covered, and it put us on the map."

Levels of tolerance vary within the Middle East; Lebanon is known as its most liberal country, and has several gay bars. A thriving gay community reportedly exists in Tel Aviv. But Syria and Yemen are less tolerant. And Egypt and the United Arab Emirates have received much press lately for their stringent, sometimes brutal, crackdown on gay men.

"Now, people are arrested [for being gay] and there's almost instantly worldwide press," Zakharia continues.

"Some of these governments are being caught in a situation where they don't know what hit them. They were thinking 'nobody will give a shit if we arrest these queers' and suddenly they turn around and there's a global network of protest."

Bashar Makhay was born and raised in the Detroit area by his Chaldean Iraqi family. Motivated, social, good-looking, the 21-year-old attends Wayne State University and works as a sales rep for a mobile phone company (his ring-tone is a Blondie tune).

Coming out to his closely-knit family wasn't a decision Makhay made after careful consideration. He was outed a few years ago after someone approached his family and raised questions about his sexual orientation. When his mother confronted him, Makhay had to make a quick decision.

"Instead of lying, I just told her," he says. "But unfortunately she was very upset. She pretty much told me, 'If you're gay, leave your keys on the counter, get your stuff and I want you out by tomorrow morning.'"

Makhay went to his sister's house the next day. She was supportive, and acted as a sort of liaison between Makhay and his upset but worried mother.

"Basically, my mom didn't want me to leave the house. But she wanted me to live there as a straight person, and I couldn't do that."

As Makhay explains it, children in Chaldean families typically live with their parents until they're married, and the home dynamic is extremely important. When a child moves out at a young age, it causes disruption, worry ... and talk.

Makhay's sister thought of a compromise to at least keep up appearances, and suggested he move on campus. "That way if people wonder why I moved out, it's for my education," he says. "I'm Chaldean. We always worry about what people are going to say.

"My mom loves me but she also wants her pride," he continues. "When people are talking, that upsets her the most."

Makhay didn't talk with his mother for a few months. Though his sexuality isn't discussed in the family, he found tentative peace there. He says he relied on his brother and sister "and eventually it cooled down. To this day, my mom will go to my sister and ask, how is Bashar's 'situation'? She still thinks it's a phase. All I wanted was for my mom to accept me."

Makhay is unapologetically honest about his sexuality and finds it difficult to conceal. "When people ask me if I have a girlfriend, I'd rather just say I'm gay."

Nor does he think of himself as "aggressively out."

"Straight people don't walk up to me and say, 'Hey I'm straight!' So, I don't walk around and say, 'Hey, I'm gay.'"

Though his siblings have remained supportive, Makhay has seen friendships go south since his outing, particulary his closest friend who was homophobic.

"My best friend was my cousin. We hung out three, four times a week. Ever since I came out, my friendship with him has completely dwindled. I can't lie to myself and act straight around him."

It's a precarious balancing act.

Arabic community organizations often privately support gay Arab organizations, but are highly reticent to publicly express any ties.

Zakharia recalls his mid-'90s days, working in New York City with the ADC (American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee) as an intern trying to get GLAS off the ground.

"They were supportive of us, but their support wasn't terribly visible or vocal, because they were afraid to alienate their own supporters," Zakharia says. "But I totally understand where they're coming from. We know these guys are getting their checks from members that aren't necessarily that liberal or open-minded, so we understand why they wouldn't want to take such a position to alienate their members. It's not like we demand that you embrace us."

Mubarak Dahir is a journalist who's covered the gay Arab community for numerous publications, including The Advocate, and is editor of two gay publications from his home base of Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. He became friends with Zakharia in the early days of GLAS, and says AL-GAMEA marks a significant milestone for both Detroit and the Arab-American gay community in general.

"I know for years [GLAS] tried to get a chapter in Detroit but it was always hard there. In New York, people had left their homes to go to a big city so they could be anonymous and have more freedom. In a place like Detroit, most of the Arabs there, their families are right around the corner, and sometimes they're still in the same house. So they don't have the liberty of anonymity.

"Most gay and lesbian Arabs who come here, come here to be gay, because they can't have that in their home country," Dahir continues. "Especially for men — they can have discreet sex, but they're required to get married and have children. So they come here to have the gay lifestyle."

One such person is 26-year-old Ahmad, who asks that his last name not be used for this story. Born in the Detroit area, he grew up in Lebanon and came back to the United States four years ago, mainly to pursue a degree in computer networking. He also wanted to live in a country where his lifestyle was more accepted — and to actually develop a meaningful, committed relationship.

"Back in Lebanon, you could have sex partners, but not really a boyfriend," Ahmad says. "It's really hard to not have the intimate part, because you couldn't live together like you can here."

Ahmad and his current partner have been together for two and a half years. He adds that he's been exceedingly happy since returning to this country. But it's doubtful that his parents will ever meet the person he's in love with. He has no intention of coming out to them.

"My parents are more traditional, so I'm afraid I would lose them," he says. "I hope the Middle Eastern world will come to realize that being gay is not a choice."

Craig Covey is an openly gay Ferndale city councilmember and director of MAPP, the Midwest Aids Prevention Project. He's assisted AL-GAMEA on the first few Arabian Nights, and continues to offer his support and advice. As a veteran activist, he says the struggles facing gay Arabs are similar to the problems he faced as a white gay man 20 years ago.

But, he adds, "the problems, while similar, are more intense. It's probably easier for a WASP to come out. In some Arabic countries homosexuality is a capital crime and it's not unheard of for homosexuals to be executed — and that's a little more intense than having someone call you a fag."

Dahir says the situation changed irrevocably for gay Arab Americans after 9/11, even in the traditionally permissive and accepting gay community.

"The dynamics for gay and lesbian Arabs shifted to a totally new paradigm," he says. "They weren't welcome in the Arabic community as gay people, or in the gay community as Arabs. Friends I know would always go to the bars and adopt Americanized nicknames; they wouldn't want to say they're from Arab country because they were afraid of discrimination from within the gay and lesbian community."

In light of post-9/11 discrimination, gay Arabs will sometimes decide it's more important to retain their sense of identity as an Arab-American than it is to come out of the closet — because they simply can't have both.

"Typically someone will need to have a connection to the Arab community," Dahir says. "It's their language, their culture, their religion, their food. You don't want to give all that up. But they're not out in the Arabic community, because they're afraid if they're out they won't be able to be a part of it. And then they're not out as Arabs in the gay community, so there's this weird double closet."

And Dahir doesn't believe that's going to change.

"It will continue to be complicated by the political atmosphere for Arabs in America," he says. "If you don't feel safe in the general population for being Arab, then there's no way you're going to risk that safe space in your Arabic community by coming out. Being gay is going to take a back seat to being Arab, and until the political arena changes, it's going to stay that way."

But the founders of AL-GAMEA hope that heightened visibility and networking will ease that sense of double loss and abandonment. It's worked for Andy.

"I've made lots of Arabic friends through this group," Andy says. "My life has changed. I'm more self-confident being gay — I'm not scared anymore."

"Our biggest thing is we want people to come out to themselves," Makhay says. "We have a lot of people on the down-low in our community, and we're trying to promote that being gay isn't something you have to hide, it's who you are and you should be proud."

And Makhay isn't using metaphors when he talks of giving people somewhere to go.

"I myself have taken people in because their parents kicked them out. People called me and said, 'My parents locked me out of the house.' And then they come and sleep on my couch for a day or a week, and then go along their way."

Though AL-GAMEA's goals are years, if not decades, away from full realization, there's been gradual positive development. And Zakharia is pleased with the movement's progression.

"In the past decade I've seen much, much more than I've anticipated," Zakharia says. "I would have never dreamed that in 10 years we'd have an official organization in an Arabic capital, or a magazine in Arabic. To see virtual groups setting up online, and religious groups for gay Muslims — I probably never would have thought that would see the day. There are still a lot of situations where we're witnessing violence and backlash, but that's part of the turf."

A little bit of that progress is evident on this balmy night at the Male Box. Around midnight, things are hopping, as several dozen Arabic men are milling about in a crowd of about 100 or so. Craig Covey is in a corner, dressed sharply in a black blazer and Converse sneakers. He talks of the inner discovery and self-realization that happens when gay members of minority groups can finally celebrate their sexuality.

"I've seen so many communities — black, Latino — go through this, and for me it's a delight to watch. During the very first event two years ago, it was the neatest thing," Covey says. "For a lot of them, it was their first time ever going to a public place where there were openly gay men. A lot of them were crying."

Haifa takes the stage, adorned in strategically ripped jeans, a half shirt and blinking stripper heels. As she shimmies to traditional Arabic music peppered with a techno beat, Ramazzotti approaches the stage, laughing as he rises on tip-toes to stuff a bill in her faux cleavage.

As the music kicks up a notch, a dozen or so people suddenly converge on the dance floor, joining hands and dancing in a circle, much like traditional Arabic celebrations. A couple of white boys in sagging jeans and blond girls in filmy tops get caught up in the circle with the young Arabs; everyone is boisterously jumping along, heads thrown back in laughter, faces beaming.

No one is crying tonight.

____________________________________________________________________

hugs, Tawny

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time then you're used to me talking about my family. If you're tired of that subject, then stop now. If not, keep reading.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm tired of pretending that people are on the up and up when they call me when I know that the only time they have ever, in their whole enitre life, picked up the phone and dialed me was when they wanted something. I used to think it was polite to just play along when I picked up the receiver and heard their voice, knowing that in a minute or two we were going to get to the crux of the call. New and improved me, I've decided to call a spade a spade. No more pretending.

So when my cousin's woman called me this afternoon, and the first words out of her mouth were 'I was just calling to see how you were doing....' I laughed. Why? Because this woman has never ever never called me unless she wanted something. It's always 'my gas has been cut off, or my electricity, or I don't have money for clothes for the girls for school, or I need $20 for a new tire, or......' And there's never any pay back, oh no. She acts like it's against her religion to pay you back. And no matter how many times you tell her no, she still calls and asks. It's like being on the call list of a telemarketer. You didn't give this time, but you might next time.

So I laughed and reminded her that the only time she calls is when she wants something and she got all snippy and cold, 'I don't want anything, I was just calling...' I laughed so hard that she hung up.

But you know what? I'm tired of people always having their hand out. She doesn't have any money for necessities (gas, electricity, etc.) because she blows her paycheck on other stuff. It's priorities to my way of thinking. We spend our money on what's important to us. To her, eating at Red Lobster, for example, is a priority. Paying her electric bill isn't.

I'm ranting, I know.


hugs, Tawny

On yesterday's local news it was announced--big surprise--that the family of Keith Bender, the man Proof (the rapper) supposedly shot before Bender's cousin shot him to death, has filed a multi-million dollar wrongful death lawsuit against Proof's estate.

The Bender family says they are suing Proof's estate for many millions of dollars because they're tired of hearing Proof's friends, family and loved ones say he was a good man.

Please.

I don't know what kind of a man Keith Bender was in life. According to his family, he was ex-military and a swell guy. Maybe that is true.

But in death, he's the proverbial brass ring. If he had to go and get himself killed, how potentially profitable to his family that he was allegedly (I say allegedly because it hasn't been proven in a court of law yet) killed by someone rich and famous, and not Louie the neighborhood crack head.

I know someone whose sister was a crackhead for years. The family had to watch over and raise her children, keep an eye on their belongings when their crackhead sister was in their house because she wasn't beyond snagging up whatever she could to fence in order to buy more crack, plus worry about her. One night she was caught shoplifting in a Rite Aid (drugstore) and the store employees accidentally choked her out while trying to subdue her until the police could get there, She died.

Before they could get her in the ground and bury her, they had a high priced, nationally known lawyer filing a lawsuit against Rite Aid. And they won a gazillion dollars.

Crack head siser who had been nothing but a royal pain in their ass all those years was, in death, their brass ring. Now had she overdosed from crack, or been killed by anyone on the streets, she wouldn't have been worth a plugged nickel to them. But choked out by a store's employees? Millions of dollars in their pockets.

I'm not saying Bender was a pain in the ass to his family. I didn't know him or his family. All I know for certain is he was in an after hours/illegal club/blind pig when he was killed. He was in a dangerous place. Blind pigs are notorious for illegal gambling, prostitution, young girls, drug sales and use, weapons, fights, criminals, murders, etc. The Triple C (CCC) had a well known record and reputation for fights and shootings. What in the hell was an ex miitary family ma doing in a place like that in the wee hours?

What in the hell was Proof, a man who was a celebrity solidly on the fast track to a rich and famous rap career, doing in a place like that?

What in the hell were these men thinking? I think we know what Keith Bender's family is thinkng now. 'We're in the money! We're in the money!'

It all sucks big ones.

Tawny

Pretty much all of the recipes I've been sharing with you in this blog have come from my collection of Paula Deen cookbooks. If you have cable tv, and if the Food Network (www.foodnetwork.com) is one of your channels, then you can even watch Paula on tv every day. She has her own show, Paula's Home Cooking. It's my favorite tv cooking show.

Well, as I discoverred the other day at the grocery store, she also has a magazine! (www.pauladeenmagazine.com) And she has a website (www.ladyandsons.com) with a free email newsletter.

If you like to cook, and even if you don't you still should know how to, her magazine, her cookbooks and her tv show will be a big help.

Okay, she uses a lot of butter in her cooking. But. If you're concerned about that, substitute margarine, or just don't use as much as she suggests (except when you're baking, then you need to follow the recipes to a T because, after all, baking is chemistry, sort of). It'll still taste good.

hugs, Tawny